1.14.2010

New Order

It's been a while since I've sat down and seriously blogged. I failed in Berlin, I failed over Winter Break, but I'm determined to get back on track with blogging (and journaling, for that matter) this new semester. So here's a retrospective and prospective post.

For the past several months, it's been really hard to get a good footing on anything.

In August I went abroad and had to acclimate to a new city and culture. Mein Liebe Berlin. I fell in love with the sprawling landscape, the makeshift assemblage of shops, clubs, and gatherings, and the undeniable air of rough cool that everything possessed. The history of the city was an unspoken truth, creating a place filled with such energy and excitement. As I watched this city in transition before my eyes, I couldn't help but feel a part of it all. To learn everyone's stories. To understand the ruin. To experience the rebuilding. I met some great people, did some pretty wild things, and all of it felt so natural after a certain point. But the relationship was nipped at the bud before it could fully blossom. Right when I was starting to really feel like I could manage the language and begin to feel at home. I'm thankful for study abroad and the opportunity to travel without worries and enjoy without true consequence. Though there may be regrets here and there (R.I.P. Blackberry), it was all a part of a collective experience I would not take back. All the time in a foreign place, outside of my comfort zone, gave me a chance to internalize my dispositions and my character. I grew a lot while abroad, perhaps more so than expected. In the end, I would say I did a pretty damn great job getting the most out of Berlin while managing to get some more understanding about myself.

Then after Berlin, I was back home, and that felt familiar and odd all at once. Mostly familiar, but still odd. I wanted to speak German all the time and be a snob. I wanted the freedom to hop on a subway without the worries of traffic or being carless. But the friends back home are irreplaceable. I forgot how much I missed Southern California and how truly different the people are. I'm not just saying this to sound snobby, but I am. Being home was great, and enjoying the company of friends and family was fantastic. Hopefully I stored up enough sunlight like a solar panel to last me until spring.

And right when home was starting to feel right again, I'm whisked away to Duke. Oh Duke. I've realized that I don't miss you that much. Or rather, I don't miss your essence. I miss a handful of people, but the rest I could do without. I know I'm not going into this semester with the right mindset right now, and I'm hoping it's only because I have been on campus for a total of three days. Three overwhelming days, with lots of familiar faces. But I certainly feel the gap in linear existence when being here. I keep thinking it's the start of everyone's semesters. I want a free planner and I don't want to walk into rooms that are way more decorated than mine. I need to get a grip on my classes and create a routine. I've never really liked routine, but I feel like routine will be very important to me this semester.

There's a lot of changes going on in my head right now, and I think I'll have my hands full soon enough. But not full enough to blog. I look back to freshman year, when blog posts were somewhat pathetically naive and resembled immature rants, but at least I wasn't feeling quite as jaded.

Here's to hoping I don't fuck up this year too badly. To starting 2010 the right way. To letting things go, and moving on.

2 comments:

Tiffany Chen said...

"and right when home was starting to feel right again, I'm whisked away to Duke. Oh Duke. I've realized that I don't miss you that much. Or rather, I don't miss your essence. I miss a handful of people, but the rest I could do without"

-chuckle-

Elena said...

that's what happens when you go abroad...and let yourself fall in love with a different place....New York still comes to me in my dreams and leaves me no at no peace sometimes for days....